Our Separate Ways

Now that the Democrats are in power most of my friends complain endlessly that Pelosi and Obama are going to spend too much money on this, too much money on that, and screw up that other thing over there. When Bush was in the White House I listened to another set of friends and family complain that Bush was taking the country to hell in a hand basket. And yet other friends aren't happy either way. I must therefore conclude that no matter who is in power some group of Americans will be unhappy. But are we not promised the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness? The solution then to increasing happiness among the people is not to be found in the struggle to impose our various philosophies of governance upon each other, but rather in choosing how we ourselves are to be governed. We will group people together into a few philosophical groups, each having a different set of rights and responsibilities.

Democrats
These are to include people who identify themselves as progressives, socialists, people who vote Democratic, Green, and Peace and Freedom. They most likely voted for Obama. This group is entitled to social security, unemployment benefits, government health care and all the various social programs. They will begin with a tax rate of 70% on all income. Deductions will be few. Their tax money will be pooled into an account to pay for their programs. If the communal account runs in the black they will have extra money for the following year which can be rebated back for educational expenses. If the money runs out say at the end of October then no one from this group will receive any benefits until the pot has money again. They may of course raise their tax rate if 70% is not high enough. Also, this group will not be allowed to own any kind of firearm. Males of this group will be monitored for alpha-male characteristics and for acting dominant in male-female relationships. Those who exhibit these stone-age tendencies will be subject to hormone therapy to decrease their testosterone, or if that fails, castration.

Republicans
These people are those who most likely vote Republican but may include some centrist swing-voters and all those who see themselves as center-right but who are probably socially conservative and economically ignorant. This group most likely voted for McCain. This group will receive a greatly reduced package of welfare-state benefits. Unemployment benefits will be no longer than four weeks. This group sees four weeks really as three and a half weeks more time than needed to get and start a new job unless you are a totally lazy bastard. Additionally, social security will exist only for those who live past 80. Health care will remain as it is now. This group may own an unlimited number of firearms and the tax rate will be set at 15%. No deductions. Members of this group may never associate or do business with or accept money from a practicing homosexual (if anyone is looking). They must also never go to a strip club (if anyone is looking). They must wear a flag pin on their lapels or they will be deemed unpatriotic. When the president decides to send troops off to fight in undeclared wars only this group need send sons and daughters off to fight. This group will also pay for undeclared wars through special levies which only this group need pay. Republicans, if they are ever suspected of any terror related activities will immediately be shipped off to Guantanamo to be water-boarded.

Libertarians
These people could have been Ron Paul supporters and probably stayed home in the general election not wanting to vote for the socialist community agitator or war-monger gramps. This group will receive no benefits from any social programs like social security, medicare, universal health care, unemployment insurance, etc. However this group will pay no taxes on income or property. Neither will their children have to register for a draft nor ever fight in an undeclared war. They may own firearms. This group may use medical marijuana. Members of this group will be free to live their own lives as they see fit and associate with whomever they please. And if the constant barrage of republican and democrat pundits and pseudo-intellectuals becomes too overwhelming the libertarian shall reserve his inalienable right to mock, belittle and expand the use of medical marijuana to render republicans and democrats less irritating and more entertaining.